‘You are valuable just because you exist. Not because of what you do or what you have done, but simply because you are.’ - Max Lucado

We all know at least one of those people who can walk into a room, light it up by smiling and speaking to everyone brightly, radiating confidence and self-assurance. We might look at them admiringly and think ‘if only I could be like that!”

While one person’s confidence might not be affected by having acne on their face, another person with the same skin condition might feel so self-conscious they stop going out with friends. One girl’s face might beam bright red and go silent when the boy she likes smiles or speaks to her, while another feels comfortable to chat and joke. One person is able to believe in themselves when facing new challenges, while another freezes in fear and stops trying.

We are all so different when it comes to levels of self-esteem and self-confidence in different areas of our lives. The reassuring fact is that this is a very human experience!

In this blog, we are going to explore:

What are self-esteem & self-confidence
Low self-esteem and self-confidence
How to build and develop your self-esteem and self-confidence

‘Confidence is created by the small things you do every single day that build trust in yourself.’ - Mel Robbins

What are Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence?

The terms self-confidence and self-esteem are sometimes used interchangeably in everyday language, but they do mean slightly different - although connected - things. They are both to do with valuing yourself, which is one of the bedrocks of good mental health. How you see and feel about yourself and how much you believe in and trust yourself, your abilities and your ideas do hugely affect how much you think about others’ opinions of you, what you think you deserve, how you interact with others and so much more. It’s very common that in your teen years, your confidence and self-esteem may fluctuate - and also, thankfully, often develop in a positive way as you build your skills and experience more of life.

The great news is that if you are struggling with any aspect of this, it’s totally possible to improve how you think of and believe in yourself at any age. If you experience self-doubt, low confidence or feelings of unworthiness in any areas of your life - i.e. if you are human! - then read on to understand more about these important aspects of being you, and how it is possible to build a more solid foundation for yourself.

Self-esteem

This is basically how you think and feel about yourself - your own intrinsic worth or the knowledge that you are enough exactly as you are, regardless of external circumstances such as achievements or accomplishments. It is to do with having respect for yourself, feelings of worthiness, and the opinions and beliefs you hold about yourself.

What does positive self-esteem look like?

feeling worthy of love, affection and care
feeling safe and secure in yourself, just as you are
having belief in yourself
feeling good enough
believing you deserve happiness and to be treated well
ability to learn from and move past mistakes without blaming yourself unfairly or dwelling on negativity
using positive language about yourself
being kind and compassionate to yourself

Self-confidence

A certain amount of self-esteem is a good basis for self-confidence, which is your belief in and trust in yourself, your abilities and your ideas. It is to do with feeling comfortable in yourself, mastering skills, and vocalising your ideas and opinions. Self-confidence comes with self-acceptance, which means understanding and accepting yourself for who you are.

What does self-confidence look like?

believing that what you have to say and contribute is meaningful
trying something new
trying something difficult
bouncing back from failures
speaking up in class when asked a question
striking up a conversation with a potential new friend
not feeling compelled to dress or act like others if it doesn’t feel right for you
taking joy in what you are doing, regardless of what other people think

‘Self-esteem is made up primarily of two things: feeling lovable and feeling capable.’ - Jack Canfield

Low Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence

There are all kinds of reasons why you might have low self-esteem and self-confidence - these two often go hand-in-hand, as it can be hard to feel confident when you are not feeling great about yourself. Sometimes, they can become low suddenly, in response to life events, or it may be more constant for you. The types of things that affect our self-esteem and confidence levels are different for everyone. Some examples are:

being bullied
physical or mental health problems
relationship problems, for example, friendship troubles, unstable home life, divorce/moving home
worries about body image and appearance, for example having to wear braces or some other obvious physical change
being discriminated against, feeling others’ prejudice and judgement, for example based on money/class, race, religion, sexuality, gender
problems with studying or at work
feeling pressured to meet unrealistic expectations, for example those of adults in your life or through social media.
working hard at something and failing - for example, failing exams, being fired from a job
worrying too much about what other people think
money worries

Having low self-esteem and low self-confidence can affect your life in many different ways as well, for example:

how much you like and value yourself as a person
your ability and confidence to try new or difficult things
whether you believe you matter
whether you feel good enough
whether you feel that you deserve to be treated well by others
your ability to make decisions based on your own needs and wants, as well as of those around you
whether you can assert yourself
how you speak to yourself and how kind you are to yourself
how well you can recognise your strengths
whether you can learn from mistakes and failures without blaming yourself unfairly and dwelling on them

Sometimes, our self-esteem in some areas can be low because we have absorbed labels or descriptors from adult caregivers while growing up that could be described as ‘negative’. However, these can be re-framed in a more positive way - you can build your self-esteem by focusing on these as positive traits, and what you could do with them!

Here are some examples:

argumentative → opinionated, strongly committed to one’s goals

stubborn → persistent

nosy → curious

wild → energetic

Overly focusing on external factors of worth such as prettiness and societal beauty standards may be a common factor in low self-esteem, which can cause a lot of negative self-talk and preoccupation. It is well established that social media use can feed into this - for more information, see our blogs Social Media Part 1 and Social Media Part 2.

Persistent low self-esteem is not a mental health condition itself, but it may indicate there is something else going on such as anxiety or depression that requires treatment. If you are struggling with this, please speak to your parent/guardian, guidance teacher or GP in the first instance.

‘A calm mind brings inner strength and self-confidence, so that’s very important for good health.’ - Dalai Lama

Building Self-esteem & Self-Confidence

The development of robust and positive self-esteem and self-confidence is a work in progress for many people. Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses, and that’s part of the human experience.

However, it is possible to make a big difference over time in how you feel about yourself by making a little bit of effort every day.

Here are some things you can try thinking and doing regularly to build up your self-esteem.

Focus on the things you like about yourself. This could include your body and appearance, and your personality and character traits. Make a list!
Identify which of your traits make you a good friend to others
Be aware of your inner self-talk - can you catch your negative, self-critical thoughts, and say something kind to yourself instead?
Find something to do that you really enjoy - a sport or a new hobby - something you find really interesting and fulfilling, and spend time on it
Practice mindfulness - there are lots of ways to do this including simple breathing exercises like these ones:

5 Minute Calming Breathwork

Five Finger Breathing | a simple guided breathing exercise for kids

Box Breathing Technique - simple strategy to calm anxiety

Practice positive self-affirmations - these are positive statements you repeat to yourself every day, that can affect your mood and behaviours. For example:

I am worthy of love and respect
I am capable of learning new things
I an unique and special
I am brave and strong

Watch a video on Youtube like this one or, even better - make up your own!

Cultivate gratitude and kindness. Keep a gratitude journal and do some random acts of kindness in your community. Both of these help to secrete happy hormones!
Respect yourself.
Praise yourself for your effort more than your accomplishments.
Notice when others are pleased or even delighted to see you - you bring joy into the world so feel good about that!
Spend time with people who light you up and make you feel good.

*Tip*

For more guidance and information about developing positive self-talk, read our blog Dealing with Negative Thoughts.

Here are some things you can try thinking and doing regularly to build up your self-confidence.

Encourage yourself - speak to yourself as you would to a good friend - ‘you can do it!’ Praise your own effort by telling yourself ‘well done!’
Take time to think and observe - sometimes we just need to take some time to feel ready to try something
Ask for support - ask a family member, friend or teacher for some help, support or encouragement
Tackle manageable challenges - this build confidence by building on previous successes
Try new things - why not just do it? If you try and it’s not a good fit for you, you know you’ve tried it and can move on to something else. If you never try anything, you’ll never know!
Break down a new or difficult project into smaller chunks - perhaps there are parts of the skill/task that you could do easily - focus on these first, which builds bridges from your past successes to the current new situation. This will give you confidence to tackle the trickier parts.
Practice! Whatever skill you want to master in different areas of life, whether it’s cooking, sewing, playing golf, learning an instrument, or how to drive, applying yourself with regular practice is the key to success.
Take joy in it - whatever you spend your time on, relish and enjoy the opportunity as a privilege.

Mastery is one of the key ways to boost both confidence and self-esteem. By applying yourself to learning and creating, and being passionate about pursuing your goal, you will also learn a lot about yourself in the process. The actual outcome may not matter as much as the journey. And the likelihood is that you are more capable, determined and productive than you ever thought possible!

*Tip*

To learn more about developing a growth mindset - one that believes in learning new skills and being able to change and grow - check out our blog Growth Mindset.

*‘If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint’, then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.’* - Vincent Van Gogh

Asking for help

If you are experiencing some difficulties with your self-esteem or self-confidence, do consider talking about this with a trusted adult. A parent, guardian, older sibling, friend, relative or teacher may be able to listen and provide valuable support - we’re all human, and have to deal with our feelings of (or lack of) confidence and worthiness every day as we navigate life. Try to choose someone who you know is a good listener.

Some things you might like to discuss:

what are the specific issues you are having with self-esteem and self-confidence
whether you need some support with developing your own self-esteem and self-confidence
how does the trusted adult deal with feelings of low self-esteem and self-confidence
whether the adult has any other useful advice or guidance to give you

If you are struggling to identify someone in your personal life to have this discussion with, get in touch with us!

Our challenge to you

This week, take some time to reflect on and ‘assess’ your own self-esteem and self-confidence.

At the end of each day, make a note of situations, encounters, actions or conversations that have made you feel good, and those that have made you feel bad. Perhaps you might notice that there are some situations or ways in which you feel very confident, and others where you don’t. This is totally normal!

For example, you might feel very confident in your maths class because you know you are generally good at maths and you work hard at it. At the same time, you might feel very self-conscious and not good about how you look today. See if you can notice any patterns emerging through the week.

At the end of the week, try these exercises to help you identify where you feel secure and good, and also where you might like to work on building your self-esteem and self-confidence.

make a list of ‘Reasons Why I Like Myself’
make a list of all the things you really enjoy - this could be a sport, hobby or craft, and it could also include things like spending time with particular people or pets
who has been pleased to see you or responded positively to you this past week? This might include your friends, family and pets - and also your employer, colleagues, team mates, teachers, or even the stranger behind the till in Tesco!
pick one area that you don’t feel so good about and speak to yourself very kindly about it, as if you were supporting your best friend.
give yourself a small challenge for the following week to work on building confidence in that area.

*‘Action is a high road to self-confidence and self-esteem.’* - Bruce Lee

Further resources

Books

Articles

Videos